5 Failproof Ways to Get a Stalker Off Your Back

We often talk stalkers as we come across a spooky one in a film or a book or a show, either discussing the audacity of the person to indulge in an activity as such or at times even sympathizing with the pursuer itself. Indeed, it is normal we put ourselves in such random scenarios in our heads where we’re the ones being shadowed. While for the most it is only a fleeting feeling, some carry along with it long enough to reflect paranoia. But yes, isn’t there a possibility, even if a very slight one, that you, yes you, have a secret admirer? Someone who lurks in the dark, knows your dog, talks on the phone as a delivery agent? Right now as you read this, you might be alone in your room or could be among a crowd, and if you have this someone obsessed with you, would you not want to know how to save yourself?

Read ahead to find out.

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1. Be a Hypocrite

Hypocrisy comes naturally to a lot of people. If you’re one of them, congrats! If not, we don’t mean to dissuade you or anything but you’re a bit too original to have attracted certain individuals, well um, possible stalkers. But lucky you! Now that you’ve come across this post, worry no more. Say someone has for some terrible reason fallen for your personality and is following you. The key to survival here is simple: pretend. Pretend you’re happy, loved, and have plenty of company.

[Pro Tip: Use a lot of social media; but careful to be not the original you!]

2. Buy/Shoplift Things You Don’t Need

Basically a rip off of point one, though with standalone possibilities. Think about it, a lot of what you are has to do with what you surround yourself with. Fill your place with the books you don’t read, flowers you don’t smell, the shampoo you don’t use. Thus when the stalker is at your home rummaging through your stuff when you’re away (or sound asleep) to find your deluxe collection of Sajid Khan films or Tony Kakkar music, how would the person react? If you notice, you’re giving yourself an 80% chance you’ll be left alone. For the rest 20%, let’s just not talk about it.

3. Set Fire to Your Neighbor’s Garden

We’re going a little old-school here. Remember the ancient joke that says we don’t need CCTVs as long as we have curious neighbors? It’s not even a Dad-Joke, it has to be a Grandpa-Joke that still pops up every once in while like an Internet Explorer update we’ve gotten used to ignoring. Oh, it’s called Microsoft Edge now? Okay, nobody cares. Well anyway, set fire to your neighbor’s garden once in a while to update your CCTVs so that nobody’s lurking in the dark who isn’t later blamed for setting fire to a good garden.

4. Wear a Mask

No, it’s not a joke. Wear a mask, literally. With the virus still out there, it’d be better if you do. At the same time, if being stalked is what your wet dreams are made of and will have you leave out an excited chuckle each time you know you’re being pursued in one way or the other, a mask might help cover this feeling up in public. Don’t stare at the screen like that. We’re trying to help. We’re not judging you … at all.

5. Beware of Family Gatherings

Are you someone who gets invited for even the most distant function in your family? Have you found it weird even once that some people simply can’t help but notice the time you arrive, stay, and leave? Or would ask your mother the next day why you didn’t turn up at all? Are we suggesting something? Well, no, but yes.

The solution? Chaos.

Turn up for the functions you aren’t invited, turn down the invitations where you’re most expected. Stop receiving texts or mails. Be a ghost. Get in the limelight, sing a song when you feel like it. Yes, we’re talking freedom. Embrace it. Embrace it in ways the world is confused. About your stalker, we can only hope they’re confused too. Even if they’re not, you’d stop caring by the point. A total win, don’t you think?